Helping The Bereaved is More Than Saying "Move On"

In our society, people are afraid of experiencing grief.  When someone cries from emotional pain, too often a well meaning person responds with “Don’t cry!  It will be OK”.  We tend to dispense tranquilizers like little candies to avoid the natural pain that follows the death of a loved one.  Well meaning friends urge the bereaved to “move on” and often utter the terribly unhelpful words, “She wouldwant you to be happy!”.  They don’t quite grasp that grieving the death of someone whom you deeply love is not like a switch that can be flicked to HAPPY just because someone might wish it for you. 

Even worse, too many so-called professionals, utter psychobabble misquoting Dr. Elisabeth Kübler Ross’ “5 Stages”, which were actually divined for those diagnosed with terminal illness, not for The Bereaved.  Recently, on the nationally syndicated Ricki Lake Show, a psychotherapist was called upon for his advice to a young couple whose baby had died 5 months previously.   Much to their detriment, and showing a total lack of compassion and understanding, he proclaimed that they were permanently harming their four year old daughter by being sad in front of her.  He then further decreed that they were STUCK in the 4th Stage of Grief, which he defined as DEPRESSION.  At 5 months into their grief, Sadness, and even Depression, is a totally appropriate response. 

Darcie Sims*  ~  Ph.D., CHT, CT, GMS,  grief management specialist, nationally certified thanatologist, certified pastoral bereavement specialist, licensed psychotherapist and hypnotherapist, is most importantly also a bereaved parent and child.  She sums it up pretty succinctly with

"It is normal to feel sad and upset and crazy when someone that you really love has died."

Dr. Heidi Horsely ** ~ Licensed Psychologist and Social Worker, working in the field of grief and loss for 20 years, shares from not only her educational background, but from being a bereaved mom as well

In response to the question of “Do all who grieve need a therapist?” Dr. Horsely shares,

“We (our society)  are not tolerant of grievers.  People don’t want people to grieve.  People want people to get over it.  They want them to move on with their lives and they want them to act the same way that they did before that person died.  They want them to go to a therapist so that they will stop grieving in front of them…most things that we do when we are grieving are normal.  They are not abnormal.  If we didn’t love so much, then we wouldn’t hurt so much.  And if we didn’t grieve, then we would be sociopaths.”

Over the course of the next few weeks, I will be sharing, by request topics to help the bereaved and those who care about them:

• How Friends Can Be Supportive To Their Friends In Grief
• How, When In Grief, You Can Tell If It Is Appropriate Or If You Are Going Crazy
• The Secondary Losses Of Grief
• How Long Grief Lasts And What To Do About It

A first step to addressing all these very real Grief Issues can be found in the peer-to-peer support meetings of The Compassionate Friends, Bereaved Parents USAand other groups where the experts are the ones living with and through grief.

This weekend in Connecticut there will be two opportunities to take workshops with nationally renowned and award winning Bereavement Specialists, who are also bereaved parents.  Both are very well suited, not only for those who are grieving, but for friends and family who wish to better understand and to provide support and compassion.

 PROActive Grieving ~ A DAY WITH MITCH AND ALAN
Saturday February 16
Baymont Inn and Suites 20 Taylor St. Manchester, CT
9:30- 4:00 

Presented by Grief Specialists and Bereaved Dads, Mitch Carmody and Alan Pedersen, this 6 hour workshop will provide introspection.  Yet it won't be a somber, mournful day.  They are engaging, light, uplifting while teaching how to become intentional survivors instead of collateral victims.  Utilizing provocative dialogue, music, interpretive sign, and beautifully moving art work

Among topics they'll present:

• Dealing with Guilt and Regret
• Turning Loss Into Legacy
• The Myth of The "Five Stages Of Grief"
• Growing Through Grief
• Whispers of Love ~Spirit Signs

~Expect both laughter and don't be afraid to allow for tears ~

Families are encouraged to attend together

Registration and Breakfast begins at 9:30 with donations from Dunkin' Donuts including muffins and bagels ~  Homemade soups and grilled cheese sandwiches will be served at lunch along with salad, chips, homemade desserts and CHOCOLATE!  

It is an important day and a very special, warm hearted event.  

Register on line using CODE  PATCH for a $10.00 savings
Walk-ins will be accepted at the door
Visit  TCFEastOfTheRiverCT.org/proactive-grieving
Or Phone 860-375-EØTR (3087) for more information

 GRIEF AWARENESS OPEN HOUSE
TONY BROWN FOUNDATION
Monday February 18
St. Peter’s Church,  Monroe CT
2:00 – 8:00
FREE

 Hope, Healing and Friendship open house to provide a place where our community can come to share, explore and help or be helped while dealing with grief issues.  While this is not an event targeted to Sandy Hook, it has come from an observed and expressed need to understand and help the community sort through the emotions that grief brings to the surface-not only with the victims but within the community and those who interact with them as a whole.

There will be tables set up with FREE resources and representatives from organizations all around the country.  Some of the most widely respected grief professionals will be there to sit with you one on one or answer any questions or concerns you may have.  This is a wonderful opportunity to learn how you can help yourself or anyone dealing with grief of any kind.  Free events will take place throughout the day.  There will be musical performances, an exercise of relaxation, a discussion about signs from our loved ones, and speakers on sudden loss, nutrition and your well being, proactive grieving and much more.

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  * Darcie is president and co-founder of GRIEF, Inc.She is the Director of Training and Certification for the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors®.  In addition to being an author of many grief books,   Darcie is featured in the award-winning video series “Good Grief” produced by Iowa Public Television.  Darcie received The Compassionate Friends Professional Award in 1999. She co-chaired the 1991,1996 and 2005 World Gathering on Bereavement, and keynoted at all 4 World Gatherings. 

**Dr. Heidi  Hosrsley is Co-Founder and Executive Director for the Open to Hope Foundation and co-host of Open to Hope T.V. & Open to Hope Radio.  Dr. Hosley is an Adjunct Professor at Columbia University, teaching  courses on grief and loss.  In recognition of her contributions in this field, Dr. Heidi received the Soaring Spirits Service Award in 2011, and the Healing Hand Award in 2010.