Moms Talk: Finding Time For Yourself

Welcome to the Manchester Patch Moms Council, a weekly forum for local parents to share advice about raising children, swap success stories or maybe just vent a little. 

Each week in Moms Talk, our Moms Council will take your questions, give advice and share solutions to some of the most pressing and mundane issues currently affecting our children. 

Moms Talk will also be the place to drop in for a conversation about the latest parenting hot topic. Do you know of local moms raising their children in the Tiger Mother's way, and is it a good approach to parenting? Where can we get information on local flu shot clinics for children? How do we talk to our children about topics such as the ? How can we help our children's ?

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This week's topic: Finding some time for yourself. 

We all want to be there for our kids and our families in every way whenever they need us, but at the same time how do you find time for yourself amidst all that you are doing for everyone else? How do you keep yourself sane amidst all the demands? 

 (mother of four) 

My biggest challenge as a mom has been finding time for myself. Being raised an only child I had a lot of alone time, perhaps too much. However, since becoming a parent I have very little. This has been the hardest transition for me. Even after over nine years I am still struggling with this issue. 

Exercise is my number one combatant. For many reasons this has kept what little sanity I have left intact. In addition, I practice yoga, do journaling, and try and engage in other hobbies. Another huge stress reliever has been staying in touch with my friends, who not only offer support but help me realize I am not alone in this motherhood role. Remaining active, involved, and connected enables me to keep things in perspective, especially when my sanity is otherwise on the line. Making myself a priority and taking the time to actually follow through, I know I am a far better and happier mom. 

 (mother of three)

Raising a family has been one of the most rewarding, yet challenging, tasks I have ever encountered. Every mother will find her buttons pushed, and if you haven't then you are either a liar or a saint.There is no doubt in my mind that mothering is the most difficult job one can have. From the time that newborn babe is tucked into your arms you become a mother and as my own children have become young adults I have begun to realize the job never ends.

When your children are little you are challenged to handle their tears and tantrums, keep them entertained, teach them how to behave, nourish their bodies, their brains and their hearts. In addition, it is often up to the mom to handle everything else at home from breakfast to dinner, including laundry, buying groceries, getting to appointments, cleaning house etc. etc. The list goes on and on. As rewarding as the job of being a mother may be it is exhausting. So how does one keep their sanity amidst all the chaos?

This is THE question I have asked myself over and over through the years. I have compiled lists and lists in my brain, but for purposes here I will keep it simple and use the F words: faith, family, friends and fun. You gotta use the "f" words in order to keep your sanity.

Relying on my faith became integral to raising my kids when I found my patience floundering or temper flaring.  It grounded me to be the best I could be, forgive myself when I was less than perfect and to try again.  The power of prayer, even just a few minutes a day can boost ones patience, curb one's temper and put you back on track. The faith community also gave me the opportunity to network with other moms experiencing the same challenges I was encountering.

A friend or group of friends, who are also raising children about the same age as your children, will be  one of the most powerful sanity savers you can have. Get together with them. You will find sharing the challenges with a friend may shed light on a situation. It may give you refreshing insight as to how you might handle a situation. Getting together with these other moms will offer a natural support group. That connection with other moms that know what you know, feel what you feel and "get" your life will go far in getting you through the nitty gritty of raising kids.

Family is another form of support you should rely on. If they're willing, use them.  An hour off by yourself while someone else watches the kids can do wonders. I used to always stress about leaving  the kids one more time with a sitter or family, as if I was shortchanging the kids because I wouldn't be with them. Believe me, if you are a better person for having some time alone then you are a better mother in the long run. Children benefit from having the opportunity to interact and be with different people. Get off the guilt trip.

Having fun is mandatory when you are raising a family. A mom has got to laugh and enjoy herself outside of her job as a mother. If going to have your hair colored or a manicure makes you feel better then please go do it. Need time with your husband? Then have regular date nights on the calendar set up. If you are the creative type, then carve some time out each week to tend to that passion. It's easy to lose yourself in motherhood. Love being a mother but don't be afraid to continue developing other parts of youself.

Ultimately, if you use the "f" words while raising your family: faith, friends, family and fun, you will find your sanity saved and be an even better mom.

 (mother of one)

This was a tough question for me to answer. As a mom and educator I am more trained and comfortable answering how something is done pertaining to the rearing of children rather than the care of myself. For me personally, time away from my family was never a strong need, especially when Megan was young. I have always had to work full time so being away from her so much already, when I was not working I wanted to spend my time with her, or the three of us together. I think that the fact that she is an only child comes into play with this decision. I was one of four children, as was my husband, and we both remember the sibling rivalry that took part in our families.

With an only child there is none of this, it is just you and them, no bantering or constant problem solving going on. The need for time away is greatly lessened when the home front is calm and free from arguing. We could easily take Megan everywhere with us, and enjoyed doing so. Bill and I had plenty of time together after she went to bed to communicate about the day, etc.

That said, we did have little ways to ‘get a break’. I usually spent my afternoons with Meg doing errands, doing things at home, or doing school work, so Bill would take over when he got home. They would play outside, play board games, or continue homework if necessary. This gave me time to clean up from dinner, and regroup a little on my own.  Bill would then relax while I read her stories before bed. Splitting the evening routine gave each of us a little time to ourselves.  We most often took walks or bike rides together, but I might sneak in a quick run while they were together too. As she got older, upper elementary, and middle school, she had a few activities that she was involved in, and again, as our only child, this gave me time to do a few errands, read a book or exercise on my own. We also found things as our daughter got older that we all enjoyed doing, that we could do together, but at our own pace, like scrapbooking, so I was getting some time to nurture my creativity, but also spend time with her.

Finding a balance between responsibility and relaxation is challenging. Everyone needs some time to recharge their batteries, but each family must weigh their needs with the pros and cons of time away from their children, for an hour at the gym or a weekend away with spouse or friends.  Will the time really rejuvenate you, and what affect if any will it have on the children. If the children show signs of stress, anxiety or acting out, especially if they are in full time childcare, more time together might be in order, and if the break from parenting responsibilities doesn’t help you catch your breath and energize you it might be time to reevaluate your family schedule, and slow things down a little.

So enjoy your children, take that occasional step back and take a breather, some "me" time, and remember this too shall pass and they’ll be graduating high school and heading off to college before you know it, and who knows, you just might wish for a little of that "crazy" time when things quiet down.